I sometimes get really freaking resentful at the unfairness of life. And of the fucker of a medical condition I'm stuck with -- and how trapped it's made me.

There was an article, making the rounds on some of the FOP community on facebook, about a woman with the same condition I have. She's 25, and the description of her current mobility state is that she can't move her head or raise her arms over her head.

And that she's worried about what might happen in the future if/when the condition starts affecting her leg mobility and she'd have to start using a wheelchair and she likes the independence she has now.

After the initial reaction (equal parts pissed off at the concept that wheelchair per se automatically equals pure dependence, and recognizing that the fear/worry is valid anyway), I was left with an aching resentment of how much I've lost.

By the time I graduated from college? I was using a wheelchair full time. I could walk, with a cane and grab bars and stuff, the distance it took to get from my chair to the toilet, from my chair to the shower, from my chair to bed; I was still sort of independent, but not very much.

By the time I was 25? Fairly sure that at that point, my right arm was completely fixed, and my left had barely enough mobility for me to awkwardly feed myself with regular silverware, and I was needing help doing stuff, but I was also able to do grad school, and LJ support stuff, and ... stuff.

(and looking back at my LJ from that period makes me want to cry, partly for how much I've changed for the worse, and partly for how much I *haven't* changed)

Right now? It's so much shorter to list the things that I *can* move (most finger joints, but not all and definitely not the base of the thumbs; jaw; fractional movement in wrists and about half my toes; minimal movement in knees) than the things I *can't* (...everything else).

It hurts.

Not physically -- or, well, yes, sometimes that too, and there is a reason why I have a stash of prescription pain meds, even though it's not the true Good Stuff -- but. Just. It hurts, how much I can't do. It hurts, not being able to do the things I used to; it hurts, not being able to really take care of myself at all; it hurts, being *useless*

(and computers and internets are a godsend in that respect because as long as I can interface with a computer I can still do stuff, except a) I'm typing with at best one hand and a stick, and b) the mental fuckery of depression means that I don't end up doing even the things that I phsically can)

(and there is a voice in my head that says I shouldn't resent the situation I have because there are people so much worse off -- there are people that have this condition *and* other conditions, and there are people that are as immobile as I am *and* have locked jaws, and I'm in a societal place where I can survive without needing to work, where I'm not homeless, where I have access to people that can afford equipment for me or subscriptions to games or whatever)

(and that voice also says that at least I have the excuse to be useless, that I would be just as bad if I didn't have the physical condition but wouldn't then have any justification)

(and I just want to curl up and cry, and I hate myself for wanting that, and I hate myself for hating myself)

(and)

(fuck)

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

Things what I want to do this summer:

( not listed, broiling in the heat )

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

Yesterday and this morning, transferring in and out of my chair felt ... odd. Awkward. Like it was a bit higher than usual, except it was tilted all the way down, or at least said it was. The tilt function still worked ok, it was just transferring that was noticeably different.

This afternoon, it decided that it wouldn't tilt down at all. Up, sure, but no downward movement at all, even compensating for the distance tilted up.

I called the repair place, explained the situation, explained that it was stuck at a tilt and therefore was an emergency, and they rummaged through their schedule and gave me the next available appointment.

Sounds great, except that said appointment is next fucking Wednesday.

Mind you, I am too far tilted to fit under a desk, standing up from the chair will be a royal pain, getting back in will be impossible, I had an iced coffee and need to pee already, and argh idek.

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

Yahtzee was curled up on the couch; and I went over to say hi; and he rested his head on my knee in a kind of "yay comfy mom pillow" sort of way; and I almost started bawling.

I still sometimes feel like he deserves someone more awesome and more active than me, but the amount of love I have for him is just impossible.

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

not news -- right wrist is hurty. fop is funtiemz, srsly

(also not news -- "srsly" is not in standard word anticipation dictionaries. srebrenica is. ...I say srsly a lot more often than srebrenica. Srsly.)

news -- my left wrist decided to get jealous. Nerve went twang, pain receptors went OHAI!!!1, hand went half tingly and hurty, and doing anything with that hand is pretty well out of the question.

It took me fifteen minutes to write this entry using the on-screen keyboard. Well, sixteen now.

I want a new body.

I also want voice dictation that will work for gaming D:

Also, a pony.

(twenty minutes)

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

So I was at a (very awesome) symphony concert tonight, and my mind wandered, as it often does, and i found myself noticing that the timpani guy looked vaguely like Michael Fassbender--

(and by vaguely I mean very vaguely, since my seat was at the back of the orchestra and timpani are at the back of the stage, and between the distance and my tendency towards nearsightedness, faces are kind of vague flesh-colored blobs, like a LJ icon made from a very large image source using a bad compression algorithm.)

--and I started daydreaming a XMFC AU with Erik as a percussionist, with a preference for metal (eg drums and cymbals) because he can feel the resonance, and manipulate it. I toyed with Charles as the conductor even though there was no visual similarity, because he'd have a good energy and good charisma; and I toyed with a serial-numbers-filed-off origfic version; but over and over I kept coming back to Erik and the drums.

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

I may have had an iced coffee this morning.

I may also have had a frappuccino this afternoon because we happened to be passing a Starbucks at 3:15 and they're doing half-price-frappuccino happy hour from 3-5. (Mocha coconut = awesome)

I may be a wee bit caffeinated.

"a wee bit" may be understating things.

You know. Just possibly.

#

I have a (relatively new) bump on my wrist at the base of my thumb. It hurts, and more so if I do anything involving said thumb -- which includes typing (that hand uses a stick because it can't reach the keyboard, but stick manipulation involves fingers and thumb) and mouse use.

Grr.

#

I also need to find a new sort of mouse, because my current one (an evoluent vertical mouse) is getting wonky, by which I mean "not always wanting to function as a mouse". (Which is making the thumb problem worse because, much like the tendency to push remote buttons harder when the battery is dying, I tend to grip tighter to try to convince the cursor that it wants to move.)

Anyone have any suggestions? I'm looking for something that doesn't take up a lot of real estate and that also doesn't require a lot of movement (one of the nice things about the evoluent is that when it's behaving, I can get from one side of the monitor to the other with just about an inch or slightly less of movement). Don't care whether it's wireless or wired. Does need to be right-handed, or at least not-left-handed.

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

Saw. Have non-thinky but spoilery reaction stuff.

( Doink. )

Also, wtf there is going to be yet another Spiderman movie?

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

( GW stuffs )

(I keep trying to dodge while casting. Am in GW2 withdrawal.)

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

I kind of had one of those nights where ... I have no idea how much sleep I got, but it wasn't very much. I know I was still awake (and so hot I was sweaty all over) at 2:30. Dropped off at some point, woke up at 4:30 because I was cold from the anti-hot measures (fan pointed at me + sheet off), woke up at 5:30 for no apparent reason, woke up at 6:20 because Yahtzee was doing his morning thing, woke up at 7:30 for no good reason, woke up at 8:30 because Yahtzee was restlessing at one of my roommates who was in the bathroom, got up at 9:30 because that was my scheduled time.

And partly because of that, I am in so much of a spoon deficit that I keep wanting to a) burst into tears, and b) apologise for ~ALL THE THINGS~.

Like being depressed, and whining about being depressed, and being disabled, and whining about being disabled, and not being able to take care of myself, and not being able to take care of other people, and not writing more, and thinking anyone would care about reading what I write, and--

--and yes, some of those are not under my control, and some of those are directly contradictory to others, and I probably would apologise for the state of the economy and for the lack of world peace and for not having found a cure to cancer. And definitely apologising for all the apologisings omg.

Gahhh.

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

So, authors are now live yay. \o/

First, I have been utterly remiss in not mentioning the remixes I got for remix madness -- one a very lovely XMFC Charles/Erik, one a delightful remix of my only Inception fic -- so:

Admiring the View (Open Mouth Remix) (990 words) by pearl_o
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: X-Men: First Class (2011)
Rating: Mature
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Summary:

Charles doesn't love Erik for his appearance; it's just a very nice bonus.

Butterflies (The Fractal Mix) (671 words) by Eustacia Vye
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Inception (2010)
Rating: General Audiences
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Ariadne/Eames
Characters: Ariadne (Inception), Eames (Inception)
Summary:

If there's anything that Eames can't stand, it's being told that something is "good enough."

#

And, okay, fic what I wrote:

Need (the heat and light remix) (1042 words) by isabeau
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Star Trek (2009)
Rating: Mature
Warning: Rape/Non-Con
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Summary:

In which a mind meld doesn't have the desired effect, but other things do. Sort of.

I only have two comments, or, rather, (mostly rhetorical) questions:

1) Why is it that every time I do remix I get someone I know, someone who writes way better than I do; and

2) What *is* it with my muse wanting to do Star Trek (AOS) tentacle porn for remix?

...idek, you guys.

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

ObDisclaimer: I hadn't really been following GW2 news or whatever, so some of this may be "well, *duh*" to those who have, but.

( spoilers, but nothing profound )

Complaints aside ... the more I play, the more I love this game. *cuddles it*

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

Took forfuckingever to get logged on.

Character creation baffles me slightly.

...as does, er, everything else.

I have no idea wtf I'm doing.

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

If you find yourself about to use the phrase "confined to a wheelchair", stop and fucking think for a moment.

It is perhaps arguably true for specific situations of temporary use. For someone that has an external imposition (i.e. doctor's orders) to use a wheelchair rather than walking, especially if that someone is normally quite physically active? I can see it. I don't like the phrase much, but I won't fight it. Much.

But as a general term?

No. Just... no.

Wheelchairs are freedom. Wheelchairs are a mobility tool. Wheelchairs allow people like me to get out of the house (and out of bed). My disability limits me, but my wheelchair does exactly the opposite.

And if you are an organization that professes to be inclusive of people with different physical and mental abilities, this advice goes infinitely more for you.

Growl.

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

or at least of delving back into GW after, er, probably a few years at this point:

* why the hell are more than half my characters at the great temple of balth?
* why is a factions-created character not past nahpui?
* why do I suddenly care about elite armor and weapons?

-- oh right, HoM rewards. Never mind that last.

( HoM babble )

* why do other games not have the same pathfinding omg /clings to it/
* wtf why is my necro's skillbar all rit skills
* how do I plaaaaay I've totally forgotten ;_;

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

...so there is some possibility I maybe preordered GW2.

There is also a possibility I am dithering about which orig-GW account to link; I have two, and kind of want "access" to both (I know that you don't play the same characters, but argh).

...uh. yeah. hi. :D

(bpa folk? do you still hang out on gw? are you planning group funtiemz for the beta weekend? where is my majik haat?)

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

Remix Redux X is love yay \o/

And you guys, I have to share the awesomest story:

A Thousand Tomorrows...For A Single Yesterday (3422 words) by Anonymous
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: X-Men: First Class (2011), X-Men (Movies)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warning: Major Character Death
Relationships: Sean Cassidy/OFC, Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier
Characters: Sean Cassidy, Erik Lehnsherr, Charles Xavier, Original Female Character of Colour
Summary:

A girl from the future helps change the past and sets the world on course - and if anyone ever asks her, she'll say she did it for love.

/happy flail/

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

I had been following fan_flashworks for a while (can't remember if I was there from the beginning, but it was close to that if not) without getting around to doing anything there. I finally forced myself to post, and have now done enough to earn an author tag \o/

(granted, each of the three things I had a long moment of "omg this SUCKS it's horrible argh I should just delete it" before I could post the submit button. sigh.)

So, yeah. My stuff is here. So far, it consists of John-centric Sherlock fic set post-Reich, idek. Two of them are poems, also idek.

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

I've been slowly working through SWTOR stuff. I'm slightly hampered by altitis (and by distractions from other games), so my highest level character is only 24, but it's fun.

Necessary backstory: SWTOR has the Bioware dialog wheel, which means that in conversations and cutscenes, the player has a choice of three options. In many cases it's purely cosmetic, though in some cases a choice will swing your alignment to light side or dark side, and it's kind of fun settling on personalities. (My Sith is a snarky brat who tends to insult people and go for dark side options; my bounty hunter just goes with options that mention credits, and otherwise is indifferent; my trooper goes with arrogant efficiency.)

The highest level character, who is the Sith inquisitor, is currently on a quest chain to subvert the power structure of a bunch of local gangs. At one point, a weaker gang brought tributes to me to get on my good side; the option I chose turned out to be "I like presents."

(Necessary backstory the second: the dialog options are not actually what you end up saying. This sometimes frustrates me when I read an option as sarcastic and it turns out to be sincere; but it's also sometimes fun to see what comes out.)

So I get another gang on my side, and they're worshipping me and stuff, which is awesome, and then they ask me to share some of my wisdom. I am given the following options:

* Peace is a lie. [no alignment change]
* Be kind. [light side]
* Bring me presents! [dark side]

I stared at the dark side option and giggled my head off.

That's the one I chose, of course.

What I ended up saying was that I wanted "robes made of solid gold".

One of the people commented that I was as crazy as the previous leader. One of the other people said "Shut up before the Sith fries us." They scrounge together some money, but it turns out not to be enough for "solid gold anything".

Of the three options I'm given, one of which is "Sigh."

That translates to "I suppose I could settle for silk..."

/vastly amused/

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments

From luninosity via melissima, a meme about how cluttered my desk is augh of Five Things On My Desk...

1. A dog toy that started out as a frog but is currently missing one entire leg, half of the other limbs, and some of the stuffing. (Yahtzee is not to blame, but his younger foster-sibling, by which I mean the current puppy being raised by his puppy raisers, tends to swallow things like, uh, toys, and scrunchies. Don't worry, I made the requisite frog-legs joke...)

2. Several crochet projects that are pretty much finished except for weaving in the ends.

3. This quarter's choir music (Duruflé Requiem)

4. A small OttLite desk lamp that I got cheap because it had been opened and returned to the store, but that still seems to work just fine.

5. My mug of tea. Er. It's a fairly oversized sort of travel mug, and while I don't quite remember how much it holds, it's somewhere on the order of 32oz. Teacups just get empty too fast...

Next? :D

(I vaguely considered listing "crochet stuff" for #2, where that includes at least three crochet hooks, five balls of cotton worsted, two balls of fingering weight that were tagged for a tunisian crochet project except that the yarn is dark and very splitty and also I had started a knitting project with one of the balls that I'm never going to finish because it's a scarf and I only have about 4-5 inches done and that took me forever but then it turned out to be a pain for tcro also so I have unfinished projects on both balls, and then there's the aforementioned crochet projects, as well as my hat which is done except for a few rounds of brim and also end-weaving. But that seemed like a cheating way of getting around it being five things.)

Cross-posted between DW (here) and LJ. Comments welcome in either place; DW has comments